There is no way I can lose.
I’m better than them. They don’t stand a chance.
“You’re a thousand years to early to defeat me”, I growl, more for my own benefit than theirs.
In every way, I am measurably superior: I’m stronger than them; I’m faster than them; I have the weight and height advantage; Sure, they are quick learners, but my brain is alive with knowledge, experience, and cunning that they can’t even begin to fathom.
I have been preparing for this challenge for weeks, and they barely saw it coming. In every conceivable contest of strength and willpower, I have the undeniable advantage…
So why is my gut telling me, as I stare down the barrel of a long weekend, just me alone with my one year old and three year old: “they are going to crush you”?
Hurry back home, my wife. I love you.
Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m talking about herbs and spices.
So our spice drawer holds about 49 jars. When i started writing my list of herbs and spices to first fill the jars, my wife said that it was overkill… We ended up culling the list so that we had space for some “wild card” jars (which is a really good idea. That way you can store the excess when you make up a spice mix, meat rub, etc)… it was really easy to come up with a list of 50 herbs and spices.
So my brother told me that he has just bought two rabbits for his family…
My advise to his was simple: “sometimes, if you love something (and want to avoif the destruction of your property and the starvation of an entire herd of herbivores), you need to eat it and a select number of its offspring.”
Words to live by.
(As always, if you really need explanatio , leave a comment below)
Unless you are willing take the “Stop it, or I’m turning the hose on you!” approach to parenting (which I think should be open to discussion, but my wife informs me is not, in fact, an option), it is foolish to think that you can actually get your child completely clean once they have eaten a meal. This is demonstrated in the following chart which, I believe, doesn’t require any further explaining.
For those who do feel the need for further explanation…
I’m sure any parent will be familiar with this phenomenon. Your young child finishes a meal… covered in drink, food, and… other stuff that you are just praying is food. So you grab a baby wipe and wipe their face. Then, as you are attempting to wipe one of their flailing hands, the other sneaky appendage reaches up to smear a fresh (although slightly diluted) layer of food onto their face. So you pick whichever bodily part looks the dirtiest, and wipe that… meanwhile, the child rubs the remaining bit of dirt onto the “fresh canvas”.
If this continued, the child would never, theoretically, be 100% clean. I’ve found, however, that it normally ends when you reach the point of “Fine! Whatever buddy, daddy needs to eat HIS dinner”.
Yeah. Being a parent is largely about lowering your standards on what’s an acceptable level of hygiene.
Every time I’m having a bad week, and I’m just a bit over it, life smacks me in the face by making me drive around for 15 minutes looking for a parking space. All that effort, just so that I can be somewhere that I’d rather I weren’t.
But life has a way of balancing things out. In this case, I got a nice graph out of it. Silver linings.
There are many traits that are prevalent amongst engineers (there are plenty of jokes about this, normally told with glee by lesser humans), but i think there is possibly only one which appears to be universal:
We love free food.
Most engineers are honest people, who are not open to corruption, but they will do things for food that they would never do for money. As a result, it is common practise for equipment suppliers to come in to our offices to present “lunch and learn” sessions. While these sessions aren’t going to sway us to use a certain product (we are generally, after all, technophiles, and will always go for the technically superior product), the mention of a free lunch does ensure that the vendors get a room full of engineers who are too busy eating to ask annoying questions.
After these lunch and learns, we will discuss the merits of the presentation amongst ourselves: starting with the quality of the food, then on to the quality of the equipment being demonstrated.
But when you get engineers doing technical evaluations on food… weird things happen…
I was telling my wife about one such Lunch-and-learn, and the duck & coleslaw bagel that I ate:
“You know what the best thing about a good bagel is?” I asked her, as we ate dinner.
“What?” She asked, and really should have known better.
“The bit in the middle where there is a hole in the bagel, but the filling continues… actually, there’s probably a graph for that…” I mused.
“You don’t need to graph it, baby” she said, wishing she wasn’t just dead wrong.
“Oh yes, my little turnip. Yes I do…” I turned to the whiteboard on our kitchen wall…
I present to you… The Bagel Graph
(Filling as a ratio to bagel bread. Apologies for the quality of the graph, I tried to sketch it as neatly as I could on my smartphone).
Something this morning made me recall this joke. It has been over a decade since I first read it (it doesn’t work as a spoken joke), and in all that time, I haven’t heard another computer or number themed joke that even comes close. So without further ado…
There are 10 types of people on earth; those who understand binary, and those who don’t.